I'd like to think that it all began after I got attached.

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
~H. Jackson Brown Jr.

May 2012 be a year of:

It's one of those days when you wake up and you realize how blessed you've been;

It is said to be the most common cause of heritable mental retardation second only to Downs.

STOLEN

I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

~Martin Luther King Jr

What I learned:

To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

~Ecclesiastes 2:26

Fellowship with the ex CF president is worth more than words.

It's embarrassing but Today, only today, one year down the road, of being the auditor, have I finally realized my role as a CF Auditor.

Thank you.

on the day I was coming back from KL, I sat in the LRT on the way to BJ, and there was a monk and a man sitting in front of me. The monk was ... dirty. not dirty like that type of dirty, but just filthy kind of dirty. He was in his yellow robes, clutching a sack which definitely had seen better days. Slippers kind of torn and he was dozing off. The uncle, on the other hand, looked quite well to do. Kind of like those professor uncle's you'd see after retiring. A watch, polo tee which told me he'd been overseas, and a look that, in other places might have seen me smile at him.

But I did not smile. I avoided his gaze. Purely because I saw him shift to his left then recoil. Another auntie had sat down next to him, and in order to not have any bodily contact with her, he'd gone the other way, towards the monk. He had the look that told me he was quite annoyed with the auntie for getting him close to touching that monk next to him.

I thought what a huffy.


2 stops away from mine, a few minutes after the announcement, he woke the monk up with a gentle tap on the shoulders; kao liao, he said in Hokkien. The monk woke up and looked at him dazed, but grateful nevertheless. He started chatting to uncle in Hokkien with just everyday things like kao liao ha.. kao liao. I was too late, he saw me smile even though I everted my head swiftly. We came to the stop and both of them disembarked.

Just before he left, uncle turned around and gave me a smile, nodding to me as he stepped off onto the platform. I thought what a huffy I'd been.

Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.
~ James M. Barrie

Its funny how a few posts ago I was talking about how my new year starts in Sept. And now it starts in January. Lol, what a lalang.

Was welcomed back to Msia with sort of a numb feeling but definitely feeling very very refreshed. Everyone's busy with legal and forensics medicine. When I say busy I meant busy updating their facebook profiles. Lol. Literally. I find it so cute that everytime I go on facebook it's so easy to tell what course we're doing at the moment.

It's insane number of lectures we have to go through these few days. It's 1 hour on average worth of lectures per day. FIVE! CINQUE!!! But anyways, I actually think it's sadder for the lecturer than it is for us. At least we get to sit. Btw have I mentioned Prof D.C is awesome, the whole fan-girling kinda way awesome. He's one of the last of the generation who had to learn Latin for medicine, he studied law, trained as an endocrinologist, so I have no idea what is he doing in forensic/legal med. Oh did I mention he has a head full of dark wavy hair which he likes to run his hair through and that he can pronounce 'dadah' oh so perfectly and that his lectures are not boring at all? Considering it's law with THE million dollar question 'what is reasonable's... that's unbelievable it's not boring! So forgive me if I fawn at his feet. I guess profs like him represent the generation where doctors were truly the best of the best. Oldschool~ baby!

So yea there's this new year. I've got rhis exam next Monday. And the MMC has a 'Good medical practice' guideline that I need to regurgitate what is reasonable. Also, was looking through the requirements needed to work in the UK and oh my tuhan it is HARD. Sister asked a question today which I felt I answered B-E-A-utifully... albeit painfully. Sometimes I think God works in miraculous ways; He sent Arti who gave me the solution to my problems! WOOHOO!! And coincidentally the West wing episode I was watching talked about religion and I've quoted it below. Anyhoo now all that's left for me is just to win the lottery! :D

I need to learn how to reserve fuel. The rate I'm going right now I'll probably burn out even before CNY. But it's nice to feel so euphoric. :D

Was reading Burn's blog and realized how obvious it was.. The initial fireworks sure heat people up doesn't it? It's contagious! Healthily so :)


My resolution(s) this year are simple:
- Be selfless
- Be decisive
- Be filial
- Be happy

Welcome to 2011 peeps.

[I feel like I'm such a boring person LOL]
[ but in my defense it's so haphazard only because my thoughts are so choppy]
[ because I'm too hyper]
[or overdrived- depending if you wanna consider the coffee I took in the day]

You remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town, and that the all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, "I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me." 

The waters rose up. A guy in a rowboat came along and he shouted, "Hey, hey you, you in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety." But the man shouted back, "I'm religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me." 

A helicopter was hovering overhead and a guy with a megaphone shouted, "Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I'll take you to safety." But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter he demanded an audience with God. "Lord," he said, "I'm a religious man, I pray, I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?" God said, "I sent you a radio report, a helicopter and a guy in a rowboat. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" ~

~ Father Thomas Cavanaugh (West Wing S1E14)

There was a certain particular point just now around 2345 hours that I suddenly realized how important it was to have a pair of good good shoes. By good i mean comfortable. Its amazing that the Medical students MA's SN's and HO's don't get varicose veins from all the standing. When i sat down just now after the hours and hours of standing.. i actually felt. old.

ANYWAYS

37 yo female lady comes in with acute shortness of breath. I find out that she has bone mets 2' to Br CA. and she's even had a mastectomy. At the age of 37! It must have been at least 1-2 years before her ca was dx'ed. all at the age of 37. According to her there is no fmhx. but i never got to ask more about her risk factors, because she was so worried she had lung mets. She kept wanting to meet the oncologist, she's just had a metal plate inserted into her femur for a pathological fracture, she was accompanied by her bro and uncle, she's not married, i wonder if she's ever had the chance to experience losing her virginity, she was really really pale, she has nice veins for cannulization, she has pretty eyebrows too aside from being pretty in general, She told me she lost alot of weight, and that the disease was a very morbid one, she .... is only 37.

Indian uncle comes in due to a fall from an acute giddy episode. Had a bypass 10 years ago and a hx of DM which he takes both OHA and subcut insulin. Memang got hx of IHD one lah, so this time he says he felt giddy - Malignant htn? But he says he's compliant?!?!?! A few hours, 2 tired relatives, 2 failed brannulas and a chest xray later, he's obviously feeling alot better and says that - actually my scrape on my knee was the only reason i came in lah. Nicely missing out the SOB part. lol i talked to his wife and she confirmed the SOB, she was like 'dei, u HAD sob ok' lol so cute.

Today it was probably field day for neuro. I even saw our senior Nigel there. There was an 18 yo kid with a  (big!) EDH, but question- do lucid intervals last for a whole week!??! that's how long that's passed since his fall. The only thing he has is probably a fractured clavicle and bleeding into the sclera. Symptom wise he's been unable to tolerate loud noises and been having headaches that are non progressive. 18 yo kid with a motor lah, who flew superman style when he drove into a pothole.

Next to him was an uncle in his 50's who came in from an alleged MVA. He's alert and everything but ha ha here's the catch- he's so darn confused. If you didn't actually understand what he was saying you'd think that he's totally fine. Until you realize that he's answering 'depends on what they find' about 10 times to 12 questions. When Nigel asked him to remember 3 things - car, window, house (I cant rembr if it was window)... and then asked him to repeat it about 8 seconds, later he said 'car, brother'. Full stop. A few mins later i asked him a few other questions and i thought he was a little less confused when he was able to tell me he worked in penang and had no medical illnesses.... Untile I asked him if he knows where he was now and he goes Johor. MRI brain showed a small SDH.

The last bed in the yellow bay housed an auntie who had a long hx of htn and known to be non compliant. Earlier in the day she told her husband she had a bit of headache, and after passing motion she said it got worse. Next thing you know she's warded, unconscious and sweating profusely. Dx? Haemorrhage stroke. MRI brain showed Basal ganglia bleeding that drained into the ventricles but thankfully with no midline shift. Even when they wheeled her to the ICU her GCS was probably still <10.

78 year old chinese auntie came in feverish, unconscious, obviously cachexic with a BKA of the Left limb. Our very very nice MO who decided to gave us a teaching in the end used her as the bedside case. Okay so apparently from that first sentence itself we're already supposed to kinda guess what's the dx. Let me just tell you what was done; Resuscitation with NS improved her condition tremedously as she gained consciousness; CBD showed concentrated urine; Vitals monitored; Reflo done there was no hypo/hyper; ECG showed no ischaemic changes, blood Ix's taken- takes damn long to get back so don't know what yet; The last i saw her CXR hadn't come back yet. Talking to the relatives revealed that she just had a stroke 2 months ago and her BKA was done in May this year. Provisional dx? :D

Thin, cachexic, jail inmate comes in with acute SOB. Unable to finish a sentence, very obviously tachypnoiec. p02 was around 90 i think. Can't remember his vitals but anyways. Hx of IVDU and goodness knows what else that goes on behind prison walls. I was unable to clerk him fully, to even get more details on his presenting complain as he was in so bad shape but what we found out later was that it was a full blown TB attack. Every body wore masks after that for the rest of the night. haha.

Middle aged uncle comes in with R hypochondriac pain, feverish and jaundiced. Dx?
PS he's a walking biohazard, and i spilled his blood! DENG!!
*Thank goodness for H202*

In cubicle 3 there was this  man who came in after he got stung by an ant. Black fire ant (at least that was what i got from his translation lah) there are black fire ants one meh? he came in to yellow zone sweaty, reddish and very very obviously distressed. We were all like omg omg omg where pain where pain where pain. Then he went 'behind, my back'. I was like what happened?` who bang you? or if it radiated anywhere kinda abdominal pain like. Then he went 'no nonono, ant bite'. For a while there i was stunned, lol. like ,what? then it finally hit me - anaphylaxis! The yellow zone was very busy at that time, i think that was also the arrival of all the unconscious ones, so somehow or rather his HO beckons me to wheel him to the green zone. Which, btw, was more or less in a chaos as well (that's an oxymoron because it's always in a chaos!) and he told me that (in a very direct translation) - the ant bit him and he lost his sight. Now everthing's black and he's finding it very uncomfortable both generally systemically and progressively getting harder to breath. As he sits in the green zone he asked me if it was possible for him to lie down somewhere - cus he was still on a wheelchair! I reallllly wanted to take him to a bed, take his vitals and insert a line cus i could see that he was getting redder and sweatier. but i couldn't. needed the doctor's consent first. haiz. So i kept watching him and finally lah this HO came over, took one look at him and went 'shit he's going into anaphylactic shock'. What happened afterwards was definitely one worthy of the ER scenes. This was the first time i saw Hartmann's being used. Im glad that at least he's stabilized now. his friend also very funny lah 'hey just an ant bite right? Just one injection then ok dy right? then he can go home already?' I could see the HO roll her eyes like dude, he's going into respiratory distress you think one injection can cure all ah?

and the misc's...
Teenager comes in with 2 sites of jelly fish sting with sand still found on her feet.
More of the usual trauma cases
Less of the kids today --- ie : less bawling
or maybe it was just because i was in the yellow zone majority of my time
There was also this auntie who wanted to introduce me to her husband's friends son who's a very nice guy cause i wheeled her to the toilet so she figured i must be just as nice. if not nicer :P
Everything else was more on the :| side. Not as funny as that one.
OH i also set my first 2 brannulas (FINALLY HALLELUJAH!) but i did fail like about 348274897256384 before that. My brannula's bleed.... alot. :(
The staff's were damn nice lah today!
and catheterized a lady as well.

I don't want to be a space occupying lesion.
Had a prep talk from Dr Jonathan. lol i didnt know the MRCS was useless.




*Day 4 has been left out consciously due to unforseen circumstances*  :D

Had ENT (in the freeeezing ent room ffs) till about 12, walked over to PMC for tutorial at 1-2pm followed by CDC meeting until 4.45pm. Walked back to hospital for emergency med at 5pm. Is it weird that I'm still alive and standing? its 1.30am and I'm typing todays patients in because we just got back about an hour ago.

Today we went to the 'green' - not hot- zone.
YEAH RIGHT

Its like a freaking wet market. Today it was more of doing things rather than chatting one on one. But i definitely learned alot today - skillwise.
Saw my first ABG too.
The nurse is such a killer she laughs at us when she sees us so enthu
Then she raises her voice when we -almost- injected the patient with 100mg ranitidine
Laughes at us again when we couldnt set a line
OMG THE LINE SETTING IS SOOOO BAD!
I hate it when i find blood then when i fully insert the brannula it perforates the vein and a haematoma forms. Got me so excited too when i extract the needle halfway and see blood. Yes Im in lah!!! konon. Babeng!
IM's Subcuts

Hey you, can you do an ecg?
I want an ecg pls. now.
Get all the basics lah ok, fbc, lfts. ...

and the first time i heard that- i could literally feel my eyes go WOWZERS, are you asking MOI?!?!?

(Very few buse creats tho)
Then there was this uncle who haematemized... wanted to talk to him. they were pumping him with NS cus he was very weak. closer and closer and closer.. suddenly he coughs in our maskless faces. I could almost see all the SHITS! thought bubbles above our heads.
Auntie who squat down drying her hair and couldnt get up back. "Auntie why were u squatting down particularly?" Oh I do that always. Yeah, why? Oh I do that always.... Yeah lah WHY LAH???? Finally I found out that its cus the hairdryer is on the ground. Chewww
Kids who come in with lacerations on the scalps. Fell down in the car lah, the swing lah, cousin push lah.. etc.
Grandmother of an MO in the department came in with chest pains- Suspected unstable angina but shes so cute lah.
Another auntie with bilateral knee replacements came in septic, probably a septic haemarthrosis.But when the 2 surgical HO's aspirated it was clear (yellow?) joint fluid.
The first lady I tried to put in a line in failed miserably. TWICE. omg. She had rigors which made things even worse. The MA came over, picked up her tourniqueted hand, and went this is how u do it ZOOOP. masuk. walao.
Kid with brittle bone disease comes in after falling down while on crutches. Fracturing the other side of  his body. Some one labelled him 'stupid boy'. Manjaitis? With a voice like that he can be anything he wants lah.
Police officer comes in alledgedly with chest pains. Tapi energetic aje tgk die smsa ecg.
9 days old baby comes in with no BO for the past 5 days. Worry worry.
Indian auntie complains to the woonderful MO whotookusytd sumoreapologizedfornotbeingabletoteachustoday that her son has beenn there for the past 1.5 hrs and not been nebulized, instead was told to see the doctor and when this random elderly uncle comes in he gets the solution straight away--- Found out that BOTH her son and her were asthmatic. Funny fellas. not sure about the mum but the son had expiratory wheezes in the RLL.
+ Numerous numerous cases of uncontrolled hypertension.

I cannot possibly remember allthe other cases that came in today. Either too busy doing ECGs or  failing in  setting lines, drawing blood, bandaring diabetic ulcers, or some sort like that. I spent about 15 mins in the xray room too. Like some factory lah that place, there is no rest at all! It takes a longer time preparing the patient, whereas to take the xray you just adjust some numbers and press a main button. The red button like.
There were no major major cases lah like ytd's pneumo, but there were those people who came in dyspnoeic, BP's over 200 systolic, tachypnoic, and just bloody unconscious. Yup, those people whom you read about in text books.

Came back at half 12. in the rain. in the night.


feeling damn accomplished eventhough i know its far from accomplishing anything really that significant.


Emergency medicine? You are NOT in the way if you don't LET yourself be.

13/9/10

So starts day one of our emergency med posting. Today I saw:

1. This uncle with a suspected intracerebral bleed. Referred from SP with an ICB + secondary parotid tumour. So he's got this facial palsy that looks pretty chronic. Plus a stroke like presentation. Upgoing plantars unilaterally etc. MRI showed an active bleed but wait, do bleeds occur IN the ventricles?

2. This 11 yr old kid pushed the button to change the traffic lights and crossed without waiting for it to change. He was hit by a motorbike. Left side of the face badly lacerated with 2 open wounds seen. The ?plastic surgeons spent 2 intensive hours ONLY suturing up his face and cleaning up the debri. His 'sakit!s' still rings in my mind when they were trying to apply local anaes.

3. A lady with Down syndrome comes in due to an alleged fall, a scalp wound on the posterior aspect of the head. I really pitied her because it took a while for the MA to find a good vein. It took a few tries too. She couldn't really speak... or understand us, so I couldn't really get a good hx from her. But wait what is this- she can't walk.

4. This Indian uncle came in due to acute shortness of breath, his BP was 209/160 WHATT!?!? but clinically all he had was an 02 bag. Not even breathless. So when I talked to him I learned that he was dx'ed with DM 1 yr ago and is on combi OHA and subcut insulin. BUT THEN HOR he also has had 2 digital and one below knee amputations liao. So fast one? He asked me when was my exam, and i told him it wouldnt be until 2012 for my last last final one. Then he told me an unbelievable thing 'Hey, I'm usually one of your patients for the final exams lah!' hahahahah. Krs asked and he told us that usually he's put under nephro or opthal. Yay for Indian uncle! :)

5. Chinese lady who was admitted due to LoC. Provisional dx- symptomatic anemia. But I'm pretty sure she's having some bleeding somewhere. For once the term 'pallor of the palmar creases' could be used here. Her lower lids were damn white too. But she seems a little out of it lah, I mean it took the other 2 AGES to ask what CA did she have before and it wasnt until her relative arrived that we finally found out the tumour was -- - jeng jeng jeng. of the ovaries.

6. IVDU man comes in with LoC as well. Thin, emanciated with obvious temporal wasting... Heck his WHOLE body was wasting lah. The MO put in the CVP into the wrong vessel so they ended up using the femoral vein. When he pulled down his pants then we saw the highways. They were treating him for septic shock, (suspected mycotic aneurysm) so he also had to be catheterized. There was an... erm... foreign object embedded in his penis. 'Bereng'? The MA took alot of fun asking us med students about it. 'U sure tak tau apa ni?' ---  Entah. Bereng? Beads? Hmmm internet pun takde lah abang!

7. Elderly uncle comes in due to an alledged fall. Laceration wound right in the midline of the skull above his head. MA sutures him up. Everything's fine and dandy until he was suspected to have TB and has never had treatment. WHAT THE

8. Our hero for the day. 27 year old guy, tall and thin (well he wasnt really tall but he was dark. so kinda fulfilled the -dark and handsome part) :P comes in with 2 day hx of sob + pleuritic chest pain. Upon ex, a spontaneous pneumo was suspected. Wow his chest dam nicce to percuss lor. just tap a bit and it goes PONG! Anyways they did a chest drain on him and he's recovering well now. Nice uncomplicated hx and easy to follow up- i've got my emergency case down pat.

ps- today i saw a perforated eardrum as well as a normal one. The normal one was mine. ha ha. luckily no wax.

Prolly just had the most awesome 7 days of my life

• Ultimate relaxation
• Alot of pampering
• Learning how to float and breath naturally, pacing myself underwater after 10 years of forced swimming
• Alot of movies (tell me which part of Resident Evil is romantic, HUH?)
• Not so many trips to the atm
• Alot of driving
• Alot of getting nagged while driving
• Alot of eating
• Alot of sleeping after eating

Still, there were morning teachings at 0630's
There were tutorials that took 2 hours
Apparently I "eat alot"......................................                                                                    cis.
  
 But all good things come to and end
(ok in this case  maybe it's not too good also lah, I can't afford to carry on like this long term, i'd prolly fail med school or smtg)

Ahem. Like I was saying, all good things must come to an end

Playtime's over, I've got a massive headache and I've still got a tutorial to do. This. just. sucks. Meh~

Tonight, Inside,

When darkness turns to light,

It ends tonight.

~All American Rejects

 Mum decided I was a little too free dawdling around the house so she decided that I'd be interested in doing a short attachment in HSM. Yes the italics and the first person pov usage says alot. hahaha


I got a good tongue-in-cheek answer tho;- " so that you'll have interesting things to talk about with me".
Right.

I used to think that those doctors I met during my first attachment, the very first ones, the one where JPA wanted us to have to put into our CV, the ones where you try to pretend like your doctors, hang around, do nothing, understand nothing and even take up patients beds on the pretense of being on-call.... I DIGRESS.
Yah, i used to think tht those doctors who asked me over and over and over and over again, if medicine was reallllllly what i wanted to do. Did I really know what i was getting myself into? I think I remember one of them even telling me that it wasn't worth it, it actually wasn't. hahaha. Wow, those were the days.

Only today, you're still taking up space and oxygen, but fortunately, at least you're giving back a little something in return. if only ~ really. Not that bad, a hand here, a cuff there, you make yourself useful... by staying out of their way. hehe. There are times where I wonder if it would be different overseas, I wonder if the doctors there face the same predicaments as the docs here. If they are overworked in overcrowded wards as well, or if they are ragged and irrationally berated by pmsy SHO's. (Tho i do know they get sued alot...lol)

Today I got tiao'ed in the hosp. The same someone also mentioned that I got affected emotionally by it. Yes meh?
I don't think so tho, cus if I did, i might have shouted back at her. Since technically I didn't have anything to lose; I wasn't her HO, i wasn't even a doc ffs, so i was in essence, nothing :)
Ah well, i hate doctors who pms in wards. meh. Dun wan shake hand mar dun wan shake hand lah.. ISH.

I suppose there are always the bright slides that you look for at the end of the day, things which are not essentially medicine (because I cannot prescribe or treat ppl, technically speaking, yet) but still such a vital part of it that you can't leave it out. I realize that I tend to so nicely ignore it because by omitting it, it makes me seem like I'm suffering so much for my life's cause. Things like having a 9 month old baby smiling and shaking hands with me, then having the grandmother say that he only does that to a very few handful of people, definitely not ppl he meets for the first time; Things like haggling with the MO to do suturing and realizing that it's not because he doesnt trust me but because he wants to do it himself... (he says as a student he never got to do it lol), Things like having 4 translators to get a question of 'do u have palpitations' across (like from english to chinese to hokkien, to half hokkien-thai to thai and back again) Things like having a nurse and the HO telling me that that person in mind memang damn pmsy one and that I dont have to worry too much.... things like that =)


not to mention, The special one is here~!!! It feels so surreal... :)
I like reaching out to grab a hand that is actually there.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever

~Mahatma Gandhi

I've found out that my mother doesn't agree with the quote ;)

It's unbelievable how much a language barrier can bring your day down. just like that.
It's unbelievable how frustrated I can get by a simple 'im tired, sorry'.
It's unbelievable how obvious race plays a part in getting a patient comfortable.
It's unbelievable how uninformed the patients in a third world country can get.
It's unbelievable how much of the education you gained 2.5 years in a western country is un-applicable here.
It's unbelievable how long it takes for a frickin MRI to be done. Long enough for the patient to have started treatment and be out on his feet well and alive in the west.
It's unbelievable how much it costs to have a patient be up and on his feet well and alive rather than waiting for his MRI.
It's unbelievable how hot it gets up here. It's unbelievable how we can claim patients are 'sitting comfortably' when it's a frickin oven in there.



It's  unbelievable how a simple and happy smile from your patients can brighten up your day. Just like that.

I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.

~ Jack London

Ytd when we had our open house, Pa called midway. and i couldnt answer the phone. Didn't check my laptop either, and when i did, i saw his msg... broke my heart in pieces leh. Dunno why but it's always these random pieces of conversations that make me realize how much my dad cares for me. =)  Did my souvenir shopping today. hehehe PA you'd BETTER be able to fit into what i got for u wei.... if not.. si beh bu neng jiu liao  =P

As the days where i return to my country draws closer, I realize that i'm getting alot more emotional and sappy about things. what? nothing general, everything in retrospect.
meh. talk about melodramatic.


you start to wonder if you're ever gonna get the same crazy strong stride stagger-able winds back home, or if you'll ever hear waterfalls in the middle of the night, or jet set to any country in Europe as long as it's less than 5 hours away or walk on that same stretch of road to school, or head down to Supervalue in the middle of baking when you've realized that you lack an ingredient, or walk to Tesco on sat mornings and come back with 4 tubs of Muller, or head out for cool late night walks and not worry about getting raped or kidnapped, basically, just chilling.

Personally, Ireland has always been R for Relax for me. If there's one thing I'm gonna miss terribly, and i know for sure, its the laid back lifestyle here. Sure we'd have our annual cram-before-exams-i-can't-sleep-tonight-and-i-need-my-3rd-cup-of-coffee-stat moments but otherwise, this is probably the first place in my life where i could just lie on my bed and not move for the whole day. except when to weewee. :P it's a wonder i didnt end up with pressure sores.

And it's also made me wonder about things. Like how far away we'd be from each other. how long 8 hours seem to be. how tiring and what the toll would be like on one another. life is not a bed of roses, feelings or no feelings aside. You often hear of people being too dreamy, who dream about happy ever afters for their fairy tails, but I wonder if it's possible to be over-realistic. be the one who douses cold water into the washing machine of reality, do you think there are people like that? do you think i could actually be one of them? lol, it seems only yesterday when i was daydreaming about how i'd like my dream wedding to be, how i'd be super gorgeous, vice versa and blablablah. today i find it hard to even fit into my jeans. hahahah.. MEH.

lol,  the last sentence above was a joke ok! anyway, its not all dull days and rainy skies, i see a rainbow at the end too. eg: i'll be seeing my family after 1.5 years of absence. looking at my cousin in law's album i realized the heckload of commotions that i've missed especially during CNY. Time. like any other precious' do not wait. there'd probably be a day where i actually look back and think ahhhhh those were the days when popo was still around. 


Happy CNY and Belated Valentine's day peeps!



and i owe my dad a conversation. =)

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.
~Enid Bagnold

Liverpool:
FOOD! Dim sum with stick and the guys. Poker. Home cooked. Failed. Haha. End of the world. Basilicas.Cool graveyards. Manchester. Clarks. Cocktails. Kopparberg. Where are we going. Migraine. Antacid. Plasters. Plaster your head lah plaster! Keris incinerator. Ugly libraries. Anfield. Huge ass dog that tried to eat us. A park called Ding. Latino. Italiano. Chinois. Pastries! Albert dock. Tong Fiona Tim and friends. Penguins! Retard. Tong Fiona Tim and friends again! Sherlock Holmes. Dim sum again. 2 bananas, a chinese-english menu and 20 minutes spent matching the chinese words. Poker on the train. More penguins! Take aways. I seem to be trying to bankrupt him. ATMs. Taylor Swift. MnMs. West wing. So much for trying to stay awake. Fat cheeks Good bone structures. super Nerd!! Goodbyes =(

London:
5 hour bus ride. ugh. jon, arif, jon's apek hairstyle. ce dong. vin shoon. chinatown. half a duck. only half a duck?! xin lyn and shen. london eye. packed. cold. austrians dancing. arif can rembr their dance now. countdown. 2 brits who knew all the songs. awesome fireworks. time pasts so fast. cried. tears of joy? called somebody. called somebody whilst crying. still cold. jon, policewomen and random dude who blocked jon's face in the picture. free tube but no bus. walked. did i mention cold? arif's first stoning moment. arifs cousin's place. spicy breakfast. arif's cousin's in law owned a nasi kandar so what we ate was the real thing. the way i like it. missed lyn by mins at victoria.

Sheffield:
Jons apartment. Interesting posters. Snowed heavier. Jon cooked steak! must remember recipe. snowed even heavier cus arif looked like a snowman when he came back from outside. hogged the laptop. felt bad. antisocial. but couldnt resist. ha ha. was late in picking lyn up. walked back. dropped by uni. Dyslexia support building. Perak building?! snowfights. 2 person snowfights. Jon cooked again. uncooked pasta, my bad. yogurts.football games. snowfights v2.0. lyn and snow angel. arif and snow writings. playstation. did i mention i suck in halo? jon and convertion rate depression. horrible bus ride to Manchester. too hot. peak district was pretty tho. Enn swan from Manchester. Vegetarian dim sum. 50% at Pacific. ireland here we come!

Paris:
Long bus ride from airport into town. Very useful metro.No rain. Yays. Crazy winds. Nays. No snow. Yays. Fear of Airport closure/ strikes. Nays. French pastries. French cuisine. French. Bonjour. Louvre. Notre Dame. Notre Dame to Louvre. to Eiffel. On foot. Did I mention crazy winds? Climbed 2 stories. Upper part closed. Shame Notre Dame's bell tower was closed too. Chinese food. If it's too good to be true, it usually isn't. Champ d'Elysee. Shanghainese couple. 1k Euro cash. Each/2 person. Louis Vuitton. So out of place. Tax refund lol. Snoring. Jon. Talking. Me. Sleepless. Lyn. Official snore stopper. Arif. Montmartre. Carrefour, still the same. Apples still has crunchy. Pigalle still as raunchy. Moulin Rouge. Chat Noir. Kebabs. Free entrance and Louvre. Mona Lisa. Madonna and rocks. Raphael. should have taken a picture of Raphael dang. Lyn; I'm not to blame, it was that gypsy girl!
A bit too early at the airport, felt kinda bad. oh wells.

Venice:
Upgraded to another place due to renovations. Awesome Another Place man! like a 5 star hotel. Ultimate stoning sessions. Huge ass pizzas. Canals. Bridges. Lanes. Crooked lanes. CS! Warm. Jon setting new fashion trends. Lyn and her Casanova obsessions. Italian Job and Victoria the famous courtesan. Hooked on the iTouch. Wifis are THE bomb when on tours. San Samuele! Lyn and Nathan. Skype. Arif go away! More huge as pizzas. Tavern San Traverso. Masks. Handpainted, not made in China! 500 euro notes. Rialto. Zattere. Old folks home island. No gondolas. Traghettos! Maybe it wasn't a traghetto. Shrug. Limping and bandages. :( Good weather. Nice atmosphere. More stoning moments. More snores. Train to Firenze was so expensive!

Firenze:
Only 4 hours there. Enough to show similarities with Rome. Beautiful Basilica tho. Naked men. Naked David. "Picture? it zis Zimpossible!". Waffles. Pizza and pasta. Definitely would return to that rest if permitted. Boboli gardens were closed. Rude receptionists. pissed. Bought a bag.

Pisa:
B&B was so pretty and quaint. Something Arif's hse would look like if his mum had enough money and time on her hands. Sky tv! Grey's anatomy. Nip & Tuck. Chips. Random pictures. Miracle Square. Pisa. Cathedral. Apparently all buildings seem to be leaning only the Pisa tower leaned more. 15 bucks to go up. >.<. but went up anyways. Pretty picture from above. Could see mountains. Some funny name I cant remember but it wasn't the Alps. Left phone at B&B. Had to go collect it. Flew back to London.

London:
South African cuisine with Yvonne, Ce dong, and later Shen. Candles and knee high tables. Realized that 'talk talks' should definitely have Yvonne in them. We talked talks. ;) Everyone seems to be doing well. Somewhat. Food was very different. Whole new experience, altho reminded me of Turks.
Got lost finding hostel. No proper address. Alone. Phone was dead. I was scared man. Hailed a cab, nice man went around trying to look for it. Even waited till i was inside the hostel before driving off. :) Felt really good meeting up with the housies. Port wine anybody? Port egg tarts too! Confirmed the tickets. Topped up phone. Camden market on the morrow. Very funny HK couple. This Penang uncle. GG's hokkien is really quite good ah. Pickpocketed. Only used the pouch like 4 times too. :( Sucky dinner at Chinatown. Clarks at Oxford no stock. Highlight of the night was definitely the play. Watched Les Miserable. Teared where Fantine sang SuBo's song. Éponine so korlian wei. but it was splendid by all means! Can't believe people can actually sleep off during the show. ~.~ 4 days without internet, unbelievable.

"V-Day was invented by women to get the men in their lives to ignore the TV for a week — six days to organize it and pull out our hair, one day to pretend we had it planned from the year before."
~Mario Daniels, 25, Brooklyn

(*Disclaimer* I can take it down if you don't like it up (but like, almost nobody reads this anyways*)
A Page Is Turned

Where the God of second chance
Will pick them up and He'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come

**

When We Say/ Juicebox

This is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you cant come with me
You got your lives
He better be treatin you right

***

2) Was driving back home one day. And a plastic bag flew across the road. So I ran over it. 5 minutes later another plastic bag flew across the road. Again I ran over it. Barely 3 minutes later another plastic bag ran across the road. But this time, it slowed down before running across my path and I missed it by a foot.

How many chances are we allowed before we finally learn our lesson?

To err is human. And we have an incredible tendency to screw up sometimes. Studies...relationships...accidents...the end results can be disastrous. But for most of the times we mess up, we're given one more try to do it right again. Like the little green-clothed leprechaun leaning against the door and giving you a wink before disappearing, you hear him whisper

"hey...let's try that again shall we?"


****

is it really that foolish a thing, to hope that one day pigs will fly? what's so wrong about clinging to a dream, one that you know will probably never come to pass? did i say 'probably'? well there's always that stubborn imp whispering in your ear, 'maybe...you never know...i thought you said you believe in miracles...??'

have i ever hoped to see flying piglets outside my window one day? well yes, i have. still do. for the past few years, at least. everytime i feel like screaming at myself, 'just STOP hoping, you nut!!' ~ in the end i still allow a tiny ray of broken dreams to remain a thorn in my heart. why? i wish i knew, too.

perhaps i'm just unwilling to let God have His way. like the 2-year-old who insisted, 'please let me have the carving knife..' -but of course the parent doesn't give in to that sort of 'please'. saying 'please' won't get you that box of matches you oh so long to get your hands on, anymore than juggling piglets will make them learn to fly.

*****

as march 2010 comes closer with each passing day, i cant help but feel a variety of mixed feelings.. 2 and 1/2 years is definitely not a short period of time. i’ve built great friendships here and it feels weird having to leave a place where i’ve gotten so used to and actually love and call home. it really seems unfair when i think of it in a way where i have to leave a place, unwillingly, and probably never get to come back to familiarity ever again in a duration of time that is unknown. even if i do come back after the unknown time, i’m sure nothing will be the same again.. people leave, buildings change, atmospheres just different. this is how i console myself – that my friends will have to move on too. and that things will still be different even though i’m still here.

******

I often think about that boy
when I'm feeling small
and I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

*******

i don't think big of getting huge surprises, i prefer many little surprises like receiving random presents. emm lets give an example: it's ok if my bf doesn't give me diamonds and LV bags but i would be adored if he gives me a cupcake, a small note, a bar of chocolate, a kiss on the cheek when i'm asleep, a book, sing/plays the piano/violin to me, a movie ticket, a doodle in my to-do-list note book etc.

********

Don’t let someone become a priority in your life,
When you are just an option in their life …
Relationships work best when they are balanced.

Never explain yourself to anyone,
Because the person who likes you doesn’t need it,
And the person who dislikes you won’t believe it

When you keep saying you are busy, Then you are never free.
When you keep saying you have no time, Then you will never have time.
When you keep saying that you will do it tomorrow, Then tomorrow will never come.

We make them cry, those who care for us,
We cry for those who never care for us
And we care for those who will never cry for us

Don’t make promises when you are in joy
Don’t reply when you are sad
Don’t take decisions when you are angry
Think twice, Act wise

Time is like a river, You cannot touch the same water twice
Because the flow that has passed will never pass again
Enjoy every moment of life

*********

Personal note:
Hmm, what to do, I am surrounded by just so many talented writers!? *sry And, i didnt really wanna quote Superman Batman Jimmy comics =P* And to a certain extent, when I read their blogs, I am calmed by their rambles, knowing that life is going on, that time is passing, that people are alive. I especially like #3; how many 2nd chances do you get in your life?

I know I should be studying, scrambling for my life as if there's not going to be a tomorrow. But all i feel like doing is actually opening my Bible and just start praying. It hurts. So bad. I wish there were things that could be undone, time that could be rewound, people to be re-cherished. I wish there was a selfishness that could be without consequences. I hurt too much too bad too easily. I know its painful now, but if it goes on, it'll be even more so in the future.
I miss my Dad, I miss being able to quote His words to calm me down, I miss living for Him :(

And I really don't like how one song can make me tear up so bad!

What if I made a happier version? :P


This is the part when we say we're in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
Let's make this our story
Baby runaway with me
We'll live our lives
For sure I'll be treating you right

=) *The verse is dedicated to a friend who's found happiness. :P How often do you get reciprocated feelings, huh?*

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
~ Dr. Seuss
Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to. – Anonymous

When I'm asked about my basketball experience... I honestly don't know where to begin...

I remember playing 1 on 1 with Mel for the number 7 jersey for the first U-16 match in Kpg Jering. I remember how AY's dribbling was so so horrible hahahah! I remember how when we started realizing that CK's shots were getting sharper and sharper. I remember the first time Hel actually sat on the ball while somebody tried to snatch it away. I remember the pounding of my heart the first time I dribbled around an opponent intentionally (usually it just happens and i go 'i did that?' afterwards). I remember the image of my first ball that spun about 3 rounds before entering the hoop after hitting the board. I remember a young punk who taunted "if u shoot this in I'll go home man!"...and I shot it in. I also remember my teammates going "go home lah you..!" to that kid after that. I remember my spects getting hit by the ball during that same match and a few concerned ah mu and ah pak's going "little girl are you alright?" from the sidelines. I remember LC asking me for my eye power and offering to buy one set of contacts for me (thinking back i think she was just gonna get me a sample lah :P) and the 12 of us squeezing into coach's Unser (Lol I didnt know it was illegal then, i actually thought it was quite fun =D) I remember the early mornings spent in Astaka, getting chased away when the guys wanted to play full court with the uncles; the hot afternoons spent in the school court and getting chased away yet again by the guys when they wanted to use it for full court; the late evenings spent in Pioneer church and getting chased off my a bunch of gangsters because they wanted to play full court (where I uttered my first curse word F you when they harassed us). Then again, I also remember the times we had the courts to ourselves and had the full right to train, prior to the guys. I remember being called 'small Jolynn' cus Jmin was the bigger one. I remember so clearly Jmin's figure when she grabbed a pass one-handedly with that slant in her upper trunk and my thoughts at that exact moments that she looked like somebody from Slam Dunk. I remember her telling me my dribbling had a slight curve inwards and that she wanted to learn how to do that as well. I remember LC blocking the AT girl as she opened a path for me to dribble forward. I remember stealing chickens so often :P I remember the first training we had coached by HBChai where my 3 pointers couldn't even touch the ring. But if it helps nobody else could either except Pwen =P I remember the small games we used to have with the guys and we'd shoot from the most bizarre of places and still manage to score! I remember commenting how the guys used to have really distorted facial expressions when they were doing their lay ups. I remember those Sunday evenings where i'd climb over the gate of SMK Ambrose to use their broken court. I remember meeting my long lost childhood friend-cousin for the first time and seeing how grown up/ manly he'd become :P I remember sitting with AY in front of the pole during those Carlsberg cup tournies watching his team play; and the painfully embarassing "LLY jia you!!'s" AY would be screaming (and I'd be covering my face in mortification) I remember fawning over his team mate number 14 (dang i cant even remember properly now~) who turns up to be EUnc's friend! I remember all those photocopies of the tourney schedules (both mine and my cousins) that i'd stick in my diary...

I remember WLoong teaching me how to fake for the first time, and his signature move; the dribbling of the ball behind his back becoming a habit I picked up after some time. I remember playing with CKai and him being the only one who pointed out my weaknesses and him, Vic and (somebody else) playing 3 of us for real (ie- no letting go because we're girls) Dang we sure got a good wake up call. I remember during our first U-16 match coach made sure he played all 12 of us no matter how sucky we were; I remember being on the 2nd team but not feeling any animosity; I remember passing to AY and the basket that helped us lead the score. Coach was so proud afterwards; even though we were playing the eventual runner up's I remember his enthusiastic "you guys even overtook them for a while!". I remember befriending referee's and their comments on how we played that particular game (I think you played much better in the last game) I remember the issue with the 5 on 5 our school had and the whole Survivor-vote thingi; where i remember voting for myself =P. I remember my the first 5on5 match, the first ugly printed Sakura tshirt (which i now wear to sleep :P) the first time mum came for my match, where I scowled the whole way through wishing she wasn't there and the first loss. I remember playing the huge form 5-ers, the form 6 girl from AT who has the typical demure look and i couldnt believe she actually played for the district.

I remember becoming friends with so many people not in my clique; back classes, removes, gangsters, non schoolmates, bandmates whom i've never spoken to before, science teacher whom i've always fallen asleep in his class before, 3rd street ta jie who said "tell the biatch to bring it on, i'll call my friends to back you up", the victory screams, the cramping screams, the Quest for the leather basketball that took me more than 3 years but the feeling of finally holding a ball you saved up for in your own hands is just priceless.

But I also remember all the issues and conflicts that we had. I remember getting third, and not getting into the district team, how disappointed I was but happy for my 2 team mates at the same time. I remember how excited I was when Jmin told me after our first u-16 match that one of the officials came over and asked for our 3 names. I remember joining their training once, and i believe that's where all the humility began. I remember my 2 teammates who climbed higher and higher but further and further away from each other. I remember the unspoken unhappiness during our last 5on5 match that we had in form 4. I remember playing less and less as my studies became more important and I remember the day I said no to playing basketball for the first time...

I wonder if Coach felt disappointed when I didn't go for the reunion steamboat 2 years ago. I wonder if he still remembers me. I wonder if he's still coaching or if he still brings the players to his brother's big bowl noodle shop after every match. I wonder if he'd be proud to know that I'm no longer the person I used to be when he coached us, that I no longer run away and that I still like the kuey tiao teng his bro serves =)