répertoir.: Clouds that Roll

Showing posts with label Clouds that Roll. Show all posts

I'd like to think that it all began after I got attached.

Suddenly the world seemed much a brighter place, suddenly everyone was a nice person and suddenly, I wanted to be nice to everyone.

But then you start noticing tell-tale signs of weakness. Like how you tear up oh so-much-more often (because there is now someone to comfort you and to tell you it's okay), or how instead of sucking it up and hitting back twice as hard you run to the nearest computer (because you want to tell the other half how ill-treated you were today) or better still, how you just get utterly totally depressed. PERIOD (pun unintended).

My personal opinion is that a healthy relationship is always a two-edged sword. (After the fireworks have died down) you'll find that it is so much easier to be hurt, more so by the special someone. And that mere words could make or ruin your day. But at the same time, it gives you a meaning, a place to return to after a long day of life. Or even the freedom to type sans proper punctuations.

Like how Uncle Ben put it; with great power comes great(er) responsibilities. I suppose it's true.... As a relationship begins to test the depth of deeper waters, the stakes are raised and the ice gets thinner and thinner. Much as I hate to compare it, sometimes it does seem like threading on thin ice, and it's bad because you never know when you're stepping on cracks, or when new cracks are forming, and honestly, whilst being surrounded by meter cubes of ice, avoiding (invisible) cracks' something really really hard to do!

When do you draw the line then? Between enjoying the ice rink and fearing for your life, hence avoiding putting on the skates altogether? When do you draw the line between yourself, him and the life you share together? Wait, is there even a line; should there even be a line? Do you throw away the dreams you had for yourself since getting into med school, for a life of warm dinners and warmer hugs?

Funny enough ...............................?

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
~H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Filed Under: =), Clouds that Roll, Crush crush baby, Emo-nyer, Musings 0 pens |

2012

May 2012 be a year of:

1. Better time management - 8 hours sleep, less time wasted, not being late, keeping to time

2. Hardwork - Less complains, more sheer work, again less time wasted

3. Less kiasuness

4. Less online shopping - I now recognize it as a proper problem

5. Mapping the future

Grow up Jo, Grow up!

~ciao bella

I will try again tomorrow.
~Mary Anne Radmacher

Filed Under: =), a Destination; Not the Nearest Exit Sign, Clouds that Roll, Life, Resolutions, Studies 0 pens |

Blessed

It's one of those days when you wake up and you realize how blessed you've been;

TO have the chance to study something as prestigious as medicine and not worry about my quality of education

TO be given the financial grants to live meaningfully

TO have grown up surrounded by family members who support me through and through

TO have a wonderful someone who's always there for me

TO have friends who back you up and remind you that you're a nice person

TO be able to drink pearl milk tea whenever I want to

TO be able to travel 50000km to see the special someone and study overseas

TO have the appreciation of whatever I have now

Even if I had to retake paeds.

Blessed indeed.

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.

~W.T Purkiser

Filed Under: =), Air Dicincang, Clouds that Roll, Humbling Instances 0 pens |

I have attempted (yet, again) to kick start a cooking habit. no doubt it probably had something to do with the other half being back but heck, it's way past time now isn't it?

So yes, today I attempted, no wait I actually cooked up a healthy meal. well, healthy because there were stuffs from all the food classes there (usually it's just a tiny problem cause i refuse to include residents of the leaf village.. or the carbo village... or the fat; ok lets stop there)

but guess who ended up mucking my great reunion attempt?

dear mr OIL.

UGH.it appears that my first lesson this year is to condition myself to the presence of unhealthiness; Starting with actually adding oil into the pan.

bright side is- at least there's virtually nothing stuck to the bottom of the grey thing.

'tis tough and winding, this task of being a woman. (who knows how to cook)

Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you..

~Yoda

Heck yeah im terrified of cooking! bleh

Filed Under: =D, a Destination; Not the Nearest Exit Sign, Clouds that Roll, Food, heh, Musings, Sunday Chillaxes 0 pens |

STOLEN

Sometimes it unbelievable when I think about just how long ago was it that I was filling in that JPA application form and ticked the 'Perubatan' box.

Medicine has taught me so so so many things.

People misunderstand what the commitment really means. The box doesn't tell you of the nights you have to go without sleep, or the days you have to with coffee to stay awake in class. They don't tell you of the number of patients you have to clerk and remember how to present to your superiors. They don't tell you either about how you have to work for 24+12 hours straight if you actually want to get work done and not just pass it on to the next colleague. Nobody tells you how after a whole day of learning you come home and the first thing you need to do is study again, because tomorrow is a brand new day and brand new questions awaits you. If you don't keep up, so would mistakes. Nobody tells you how many systems you have to read and remember in order to be holistic, and no one would surely tell you the number sacrifices or how far you need to plan ahead to beat your own due dates.

Nobody tells you how horrible you feel when you cannot answer a question, and you think about what would have happened to the patient if you had been this careless when treating them next time. Nothing compares to the tears of a mother of an inevitable miscarriage and definitely not one of an oncologist who lost her husband to cancer. Nobody tells of the politics that goes on behind the scenes in the places you work, you study and the people who suffer because of that. None can describe the frustration felt when you stop and question, why in the world are these people here if they when it seems like that's the last thing they want.

No one tells about how much the specialists slog and the housemen scrape to get through each day with limited resources and energy. Nobody tells you how little hours a MO on call spends with her infant daughter at home and they definitely keep the angst of reading yet another wrongly prescribed medicine in the books from you. No one tells you how many relationships are broken up due to scarcity of contact. No one tells you how limited your options are after you graduate. Ironically the security that all parents thought medicine could provide for their children would present itself from the opposite direction. No one told you that the way the country is going now by 2020 you may be jobless as a houseman. No one told you that by the end of 5 years you'd most likely have to leave the country to specialize elsewhere. No one told you that not everyone is as lucky as that, to be given a chance to leave.

But let me tell you about the most important people in a medical field. The Patients. They don't tell you how painful it is when you poke and prod in a case of perforated acute appendicitis. They tell you it's okay when you fail your fourth attempted cannulation on their arms. They laugh as they thank you and try to match make you with their nephew before they leave the a&e. A mother cries as she tells you that there is really nothing wrong with her son.. he's only autistic. They share how it's always been difficult to open up to people around them, how much they've wanted to die, and some even how they've even planned and attempted suicide; but here they are talking to you. They don't say how it feels to live everyday at the mercy of strangers, strangers who look tireder than themselves and snap at any persons nearby. The mother of 2 doesn't tell you how embarrassing it is to give birth to her set of twins in a room filled with people lining up to the doors. A father carries his daughter with hydrocephalus out the door amidst the stares of people around him. The lives of PPKP's who work over time and risk their health fogging in an outbreak area without proper equipment and supervision. The uncle with bladder CA who longs to go home but cannot as his relatives refuse to accept the responsibility to look after him. A hospital security guard who so obviously have the facies of a trisomy 21 and yet there you see her, everyday on the ground floor in the hospital. The fruit uncle who stays and sells his jambu come rain or shine. Uncle RawT who's fed generations after generations of surgeons. It never fails to amaze me how despite all the pitfalls that becomes of their lives, there they are, day by day, incessantly.just. there.. And nothing so wrong with us could warrant enough to turn them away.

Medicine.

You have stolen my heart.

So don't give it back to me, not yet.

I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.
~Martin Luther King Jr

Filed Under: =), Clouds that Roll, Hospital, Humbling Instances, Life 1 pens |

Fellowship with the ex CF president is worth more than words.

It's embarrassing but Today, only today, one year down the road, of being the auditor, have I finally realized my role as a CF Auditor.

Thank you.

Filed Under: =), a Destination; Not the Nearest Exit Sign, Clouds that Roll, Humbling Instances, Life, Living Stones 0 pens |

we are human.

Having such a wonderful chat with Chelle last night, it really made me realize that there were still stw people outside my clique that I could talk tO. and what more she was / had gone through alot that I am myself. NOt like we're solving it like superwomen but at least we know that we're not alone. it Was refreshing, as there were many things I could share.. and not feel judged.

Most of all it made me realize how nice it was having such a freEdom in life. To stay up so late. To drive home at 6am with the windows dowN and the smell of wet grass so strongly in your nostrills. To know that today is such a wonderful day.Starting off right. So yearning for the Everest's in the world Yet to be climbed. But knowing that you are only human and there are things you just cant do. Somehow it didn't seem that bad either. Because you know that there are things that you can and you should. WHEther you must that would then be up to you.

to Have the right to type according to your moods,Whether they be capped or noT, wherever I want. To hear my stomach grumbling because I chose not to eat instead of not being able to. To feel the fan above me spinning and spinning and spinning, making my feet cold and my body warm. Have you ever felt that comfort cuddling under a blanket with your soles cold and trunk warm? tO Know that I can infact leave, annytime I want. That eventhough things are plaguing my MINd that I CAn chose to push it back and look at... the flower on my table instead.

I enjoy this freedom, this spontaneity, such calmness such piousness, no one can give but Him.
And I thank Him for that, everything that's came into my life thus far
ShaPing me into who I am today
My lacks and my strengths

I know i've got a long way to go still but i know I'm going somewhere
And i'm going somewhere He wants me to go
I'm going somewhere I damn well want to go

tHIs is LIfe.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
~ Tom Stoppard

Amen

Filed Under: =D, a Race; Not a Competition, Clouds that Roll, Life, Musings, Sunday Chillaxes 1 pens |

Emergency med 1

13/9/10

So starts day one of our emergency med posting. Today I saw:

1. This uncle with a suspected intracerebral bleed. Referred from SP with an ICB + secondary parotid tumour. So he's got this facial palsy that looks pretty chronic. Plus a stroke like presentation. Upgoing plantars unilaterally etc. MRI showed an active bleed but wait, do bleeds occur IN the ventricles?

2. This 11 yr old kid pushed the button to change the traffic lights and crossed without waiting for it to change. He was hit by a motorbike. Left side of the face badly lacerated with 2 open wounds seen. The ?plastic surgeons spent 2 intensive hours ONLY suturing up his face and cleaning up the debri. His 'sakit!s' still rings in my mind when they were trying to apply local anaes.

3. A lady with Down syndrome comes in due to an alleged fall, a scalp wound on the posterior aspect of the head. I really pitied her because it took a while for the MA to find a good vein. It took a few tries too. She couldn't really speak... or understand us, so I couldn't really get a good hx from her. But wait what is this- she can't walk.

4. This Indian uncle came in due to acute shortness of breath, his BP was 209/160 WHATT!?!? but clinically all he had was an 02 bag. Not even breathless. So when I talked to him I learned that he was dx'ed with DM 1 yr ago and is on combi OHA and subcut insulin. BUT THEN HOR he also has had 2 digital and one below knee amputations liao. So fast one? He asked me when was my exam, and i told him it wouldnt be until 2012 for my last last final one. Then he told me an unbelievable thing 'Hey, I'm usually one of your patients for the final exams lah!' hahahahah. Krs asked and he told us that usually he's put under nephro or opthal. Yay for Indian uncle! :)

5. Chinese lady who was admitted due to LoC. Provisional dx- symptomatic anemia. But I'm pretty sure she's having some bleeding somewhere. For once the term 'pallor of the palmar creases' could be used here. Her lower lids were damn white too. But she seems a little out of it lah, I mean it took the other 2 AGES to ask what CA did she have before and it wasnt until her relative arrived that we finally found out the tumour was -- - jeng jeng jeng. of the ovaries.

6. IVDU man comes in with LoC as well. Thin, emanciated with obvious temporal wasting... Heck his WHOLE body was wasting lah. The MO put in the CVP into the wrong vessel so they ended up using the femoral vein. When he pulled down his pants then we saw the highways. They were treating him for septic shock, (suspected mycotic aneurysm) so he also had to be catheterized. There was an... erm... foreign object embedded in his penis. 'Bereng'? The MA took alot of fun asking us med students about it. 'U sure tak tau apa ni?' --- Entah. Bereng? Beads? Hmmm internet pun takde lah abang!

7. Elderly uncle comes in due to an alledged fall. Laceration wound right in the midline of the skull above his head. MA sutures him up. Everything's fine and dandy until he was suspected to have TB and has never had treatment. WHAT THE

8. Our hero for the day. 27 year old guy, tall and thin (well he wasnt really tall but he was dark. so kinda fulfilled the -dark and handsome part) :P comes in with 2 day hx of sob + pleuritic chest pain. Upon ex, a spontaneous pneumo was suspected. Wow his chest dam nicce to percuss lor. just tap a bit and it goes PONG! Anyways they did a chest drain on him and he's recovering well now. Nice uncomplicated hx and easy to follow up- i've got my emergency case down pat.

ps- today i saw a perforated eardrum as well as a normal one. The normal one was mine. ha ha. luckily no wax.

Filed Under: =), Clouds that Roll, Hospital 2 pens |

Awesome 7 days

Prolly just had the most awesome 7 days of my life

Ultimate relaxation
Alot of pampering
Learning how to float and breath naturally, pacing myself underwater after 10 years of forced swimming
Alot of movies (tell me which part of Resident Evil is romantic, HUH?)
Not so many trips to the atm
Alot of driving
Alot of getting nagged while driving
Alot of eating
Alot of sleeping after eating

Still, there were morning teachings at 0630's
There were tutorials that took 2 hours
Apparently I "eat alot"...................................... cis.

But all good things come to and end
~~(ok in this case maybe it's not too good also lah, I can't afford to carry on like this long term, i'd prolly fail med school or smtg)~~

Ahem. Like I was saying, all good things must come to an end

Playtime's over, I've got a massive headache and I've still got a tutorial to do. This. just. sucks. Meh~

WASEH. Check out someone's culinary skills!!

Tonight, Inside,
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

~All American Rejects

Filed Under: =), Clouds that Roll, Plasters and MnMs, Sigh, Sunday Chillaxes 0 pens |

The Penang Chronologies 1

It's unbelievable how much a language barrier can bring your day down. just like that.
It's unbelievable how frustrated I can get by a simple 'im tired, sorry'.
It's unbelievable how obvious race plays a part in getting a patient comfortable.
It's unbelievable how uninformed the patients in a third world country can get.
It's unbelievable how much of the education you gained 2.5 years in a western country is un-applicable here.
It's unbelievable how long it takes for a frickin MRI to be done. Long enough for the patient to have started treatment and be out on his feet well and alive in the west.
It's unbelievable how much it costs to have a patient be up and on his feet well and alive rather than waiting for his MRI.
It's unbelievable how hot it gets up here. It's unbelievable how we can claim patients are 'sitting comfortably' when it's a frickin oven in there.

It's unbelievable how a simple and happy smile from your patients can brighten up your day. Just like that.

I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
~ Jack London

Filed Under: =(, =), a Destination; Not the Nearest Exit Sign, bigballsof Pride, Clouds that Roll, Frus Brush, Hospital, Humbling Instances, Sigh, So I huff and I puff, Yes-duh I'm ranting 0 pens |

The little things in life...

Ytd when we had our open house, Pa called midway. and i couldnt answer the phone. Didn't check my laptop either, and when i did, i saw his msg... broke my heart in pieces leh. Dunno why but it's always these random pieces of conversations that make me realize how much my dad cares for me. =) Did my souvenir shopping today. hehehe PA you'd BETTER be able to fit into what i got for u wei.... if not.. si beh bu neng jiu liao =P

As the days where i return to my country draws closer, I realize that i'm getting alot more emotional and sappy about things. what? nothing general, everything in retrospect.
meh. talk about melodramatic.

you start to wonder if you're ever gonna get the same crazy strong stride stagger-able winds back home, or if you'll ever hear waterfalls in the middle of the night, or jet set to any country in Europe as long as it's less than 5 hours away or walk on that same stretch of road to school, or head down to Supervalue in the middle of baking when you've realized that you lack an ingredient, or walk to Tesco on sat mornings and come back with 4 tubs of Muller, or head out for cool late night walks and not worry about getting raped or kidnapped, basically, just chilling.

Personally, Ireland has always been R for Relax for me. If there's one thing I'm gonna miss terribly, and i know for sure, its the laid back lifestyle here. Sure we'd have our annual cram-before-exams-i-can't-sleep-tonight-and-i-need-my-3rd-cup-of-coffee-stat moments but otherwise, this is probably the first place in my life where i could just lie on my bed and not move for the whole day. except when to weewee. :P it's a wonder i didnt end up with pressure sores.

And it's also made me wonder about things. Like how far away we'd be from each other. how long 8 hours seem to be. how tiring and what the toll would be like on one another. life is not a bed of roses, feelings or no feelings aside. You often hear of people being too dreamy, who dream about happy ever afters for their fairy tails, but I wonder if it's possible to be over-realistic. be the one who douses cold water into the washing machine of reality, do you think there are people like that? do you think i could actually be one of them? lol, it seems only yesterday when i was daydreaming about how i'd like my dream wedding to be, how i'd be super gorgeous, vice versa and blablablah. today i find it hard to even fit into my jeans. hahahah.. MEH.

lol, the last sentence above was a joke ok! anyway, its not all dull days and rainy skies, i see a rainbow at the end too. eg: i'll be seeing my family after 1.5 years of absence. looking at my cousin in law's album i realized the heckload of commotions that i've missed especially during CNY. Time. like any other precious' do not wait. there'd probably be a day where i actually look back and think ahhhhh those were the days when popo was still around.

Happy CNY and Belated Valentine's day peeps!

and i owe my dad a conversation. =)

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.
~Enid Bagnold

Filed Under: =), Air Dicincang, Clouds that Roll, Humbling Instances, Musings, Plasters and MnMs, Reminiscing 0 pens |

Hosea's Wife

Hey peeps! Been a while since the last update.

Anyway gonna keep it short and simple;

Started the 2 weeks attachment in MMUH. So it's down to taking histories every single day, as many as possible, as efficient as possible, as fast as possible.. uuhhhhh okay, maybe fast isn't the right word to use lah, I'm pretty confused with what style/ template we're supposed to use. for eg: for our presentation, should our opening sentence use the patient's own words, or should it be in our own medical terms? All the interns/ sho/ reg's seem to be telling different things. heck, OHCM seem to be saying different things too! Everytime my partner and I present, we. get. grilled. But looking on the brightside, we're getting better every. single. time. The only thing i guess i could really work on is the reading up part. (read: LAZY :P)
Malaysian Night was awesome. ESPECIALLY the chinese dance. Well, to be fair all the dances were really good, but i guess the chinese one holds a special place in my heart ... i'm biased nyek nyek. Yeah as for the constant ~~bugging~~ reminders i get to upload it,... will do! once i;m done with this week's hosp. -which btw, would be tmrw... so PATIENCE!!!-
4 weeks and 3 days more to the land of my spilled blood (literal translation lol)
Leading worship for the first time ever this sunday. Really appreciate Kells giving me this chance, but i have to keep reminding myself that its a team effort. There are only we's and not i's. In fact, i'd say there's only Him and not us. :)
Lost my phone. =( okay there goes my plan of ~~bugging my dad~~ saving up for an iphone. I think if i had lost that, i might actually have slit my wrists! Ps- msian hospitals have no wifi right?
If you google Hosea's Wife, you'd have found out that she was a paradox. Apart from being a song sung by Brooke Fraser, it also tells of how God used her as a symbol of a sinning nation. At the end of the day I dont know if she's the bad guy (definitely nothing like Rahab) or a significant bad guy. It also addresses... (not quite, but at least it tries) the issue of What do we live for? ... (i got that from youtube lol) - Doesn't mean that i'm pondering over my life now either - It's just a nice song, and a nice song at that. :)
Brooke Fraser is my new favourite artist! (altho some of her songs do actually suck :P)
On a more personal note, I find myself turning pretty emotionless come these few weeks. hmmmm ~.~ such a far cry from how emotional i used to be eh... but it's good, at least i wont feel like the worst person on earth when you start taking histories from people with cancer. ~~cough, not like i actually took hx from a guy with final stage tumor behind his eye and who was dam sulky and i felt dam bad cus he might just die anytime.. or something cough.~~
Oh i also got taken out on my very first date. ha ha ha h ah.. and and and...and lastly................

Life seems to have fallen right back into place. with the same actors, same stage and the same play. Yet it's so different now. (being poetic here lols) so very different. Different in a good way. :)

More appreciative, more cautious, an entire newness that I've never experienced before. I like it. =)
Happy Feb peeps!