Is struck once again by the consequences of coming back to a developing country.
Showing posts with label Yes-duh I'm ranting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yes-duh I'm ranting. Show all posts
these few weeks have been. Indescribable. I feel so... small. And there are so many questions to answer. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to have stayed out of the valley if I'd known it might take ages to climb out. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth feeling happy if you know that the only thing you can feel after that is letdown. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth caring, because caring takes effort, smiling takes effort, what if we were just robots who were efficient with a tinge of instinct. Sometimes I just want to disappear.
Just finished 2 weeks of Cardio rotation. I cannot begin to express my thanks to our personal 'mother' dr L.
Her dedication and passion and willingness to teach us just overwhelms me. After day 1 where the consultant insulted my upbringing, it really took alot to get back on a rebound. It's not easy, i realize, to be professional when things like that happens to you. It's phrased so nicely when you read about them in self help books but when ur standing there getting berated after handing in a formal apology it just totally sucks. In my defense I felt that should he be insulting me and me alone I'd take it up and swallow it down but you dont fucking comment on the way my parents brought me up. I really really hate it when people assume all students from my Uni is rich. Funny i must have missed out on that rich part. And with money everyone assumes that we are spoilt too. Really? were you there when we were below average? Were you there when my grandparents, uncles had to tap rubber and my grandma wear potato guni sacks during the japanese invasion? Were you there when i celebrated my first birthay with a cake and ang ku kuih? Were you there when my parents couldn't pay the fees? You notice the 1 or 2 who drive big cars and party, but have you also noticed those who walk daily? Have you noticed those who offer rides to lecturers they see on the way?
Maybe I'm being so passionate about this purely because of my pride in it. Maybe I AM so damn proud of my family's achievements over the decades so dont you dare touch them. I dont give 2 fucks if you think im rude or groundless because that's my problem. Too bad if you feltintimidated antagonized the peoples in your past who were of the same clan, not my fault really. MEH
But yeah. Go professionalism.
Just finished 2 weeks of Cardio rotation. I cannot begin to express my thanks to our personal 'mother' dr L.
Her dedication and passion and willingness to teach us just overwhelms me. After day 1 where the consultant insulted my upbringing, it really took alot to get back on a rebound. It's not easy, i realize, to be professional when things like that happens to you. It's phrased so nicely when you read about them in self help books but when ur standing there getting berated after handing in a formal apology it just totally sucks. In my defense I felt that should he be insulting me and me alone I'd take it up and swallow it down but you dont fucking comment on the way my parents brought me up. I really really hate it when people assume all students from my Uni is rich. Funny i must have missed out on that rich part. And with money everyone assumes that we are spoilt too. Really? were you there when we were below average? Were you there when my grandparents, uncles had to tap rubber and my grandma wear potato guni sacks during the japanese invasion? Were you there when i celebrated my first birthay with a cake and ang ku kuih? Were you there when my parents couldn't pay the fees? You notice the 1 or 2 who drive big cars and party, but have you also noticed those who walk daily? Have you noticed those who offer rides to lecturers they see on the way?
Maybe I'm being so passionate about this purely because of my pride in it. Maybe I AM so damn proud of my family's achievements over the decades so dont you dare touch them. I dont give 2 fucks if you think im rude or groundless because that's my problem. Too bad if you felt
But yeah. Go professionalism.
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Mum decided I was a little too free dawdling around the house so she decided that I'd be interested in doing a short attachment in HSM. Yes the italics and the first person pov usage says alot. hahaha
I got a good tongue-in-cheek answer tho;- " so that you'll have interesting things to talk about with me".
Right.
I used to think that those doctors I met during my first attachment, the very first ones, the one where JPA wanted us to have to put into our CV, the ones where you try to pretend like your doctors, hang around, do nothing, understand nothing and even take up patients beds on the pretense of being on-call.... I DIGRESS.
Yah, i used to think tht those doctors who asked me over and over and over and over again, if medicine was reallllllly what i wanted to do. Did I really know what i was getting myself into? I think I remember one of them even telling me that it wasn't worth it, it actually wasn't. hahaha. Wow, those were the days.
Only today, you're still taking up space and oxygen, but fortunately, at least you're giving back a little something in return. if only ~ really. Not that bad, a hand here, a cuff there, you make yourself useful... by staying out of their way. hehe. There are times where I wonder if it would be different overseas, I wonder if the doctors there face the same predicaments as the docs here. If they are overworked in overcrowded wards as well, or if they are ragged and irrationally berated by pmsy SHO's. (Tho i do know they get sued alot...lol)
Today I got tiao'ed in the hosp. The same someone also mentioned that I got affected emotionally by it. Yes meh?
I don't think so tho, cus if I did, i might have shouted back at her. Since technically I didn't have anything to lose; I wasn't her HO, i wasn't even a doc ffs, so i was in essence, nothing :)
Ah well, i hate doctors who pms in wards. meh. Dun wan shake hand mar dun wan shake hand lah.. ISH.
I suppose there are always the bright slides that you look for at the end of the day, things which are not essentially medicine (because I cannot prescribe or treat ppl, technically speaking, yet) but still such a vital part of it that you can't leave it out. I realize that I tend to so nicely ignore it because by omitting it, it makes me seem like I'm suffering so much for my life's cause. Things like having a 9 month old baby smiling and shaking hands with me, then having the grandmother say that he only does that to a very few handful of people, definitely not ppl he meets for the first time; Things like haggling with the MO to do suturing and realizing that it's not because he doesnt trust me but because he wants to do it himself... (he says as a student he never got to do it lol), Things like having 4 translators to get a question of 'do u have palpitations' across (like from english to chinese to hokkien, to half hokkien-thai to thai and back again) Things like having a nurse and the HO telling me that that person in mind memang damn pmsy one and that I dont have to worry too much.... things like that =)
not to mention, The special one is here~!!! It feels so surreal... :)
I like reaching out to grab a hand that is actually there.
I've found out that my mother doesn't agree with the quote ;)
Remind me again why am i doing medicine?
I got a good tongue-in-cheek answer tho;- " so that you'll have interesting things to talk about with me".
Right.
I used to think that those doctors I met during my first attachment, the very first ones, the one where JPA wanted us to have to put into our CV, the ones where you try to pretend like your doctors, hang around, do nothing, understand nothing and even take up patients beds on the pretense of being on-call.... I DIGRESS.
Yah, i used to think tht those doctors who asked me over and over and over and over again, if medicine was reallllllly what i wanted to do. Did I really know what i was getting myself into? I think I remember one of them even telling me that it wasn't worth it, it actually wasn't. hahaha. Wow, those were the days.
Only today, you're still taking up space and oxygen, but fortunately, at least you're giving back a little something in return. if only ~ really. Not that bad, a hand here, a cuff there, you make yourself useful... by staying out of their way. hehe. There are times where I wonder if it would be different overseas, I wonder if the doctors there face the same predicaments as the docs here. If they are overworked in overcrowded wards as well, or if they are ragged and irrationally berated by pmsy SHO's. (Tho i do know they get sued alot...lol)
Today I got tiao'ed in the hosp. The same someone also mentioned that I got affected emotionally by it. Yes meh?
I don't think so tho, cus if I did, i might have shouted back at her. Since technically I didn't have anything to lose; I wasn't her HO, i wasn't even a doc ffs, so i was in essence, nothing :)
Ah well, i hate doctors who pms in wards. meh. Dun wan shake hand mar dun wan shake hand lah.. ISH.
I suppose there are always the bright slides that you look for at the end of the day, things which are not essentially medicine (because I cannot prescribe or treat ppl, technically speaking, yet) but still such a vital part of it that you can't leave it out. I realize that I tend to so nicely ignore it because by omitting it, it makes me seem like I'm suffering so much for my life's cause. Things like having a 9 month old baby smiling and shaking hands with me, then having the grandmother say that he only does that to a very few handful of people, definitely not ppl he meets for the first time; Things like haggling with the MO to do suturing and realizing that it's not because he doesnt trust me but because he wants to do it himself... (he says as a student he never got to do it lol), Things like having 4 translators to get a question of 'do u have palpitations' across (like from english to chinese to hokkien, to half hokkien-thai to thai and back again) Things like having a nurse and the HO telling me that that person in mind memang damn pmsy one and that I dont have to worry too much.... things like that =)
not to mention, The special one is here~!!! It feels so surreal... :)
I like reaching out to grab a hand that is actually there.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever~Mahatma Gandhi
I've found out that my mother doesn't agree with the quote ;)
It's unbelievable how much a language barrier can bring your day down. just like that.
It's unbelievable how frustrated I can get by a simple 'im tired, sorry'.
It's unbelievable how obvious race plays a part in getting a patient comfortable.
It's unbelievable how uninformed the patients in a third world country can get.
It's unbelievable how much of the education you gained 2.5 years in a western country is un-applicable here.
It's unbelievable how long it takes for a frickin MRI to be done. Long enough for the patient to have started treatment and be out on his feet well and alive in the west.
It's unbelievable how much it costs to have a patient be up and on his feet well and alive rather than waiting for his MRI.
It's unbelievable how hot it gets up here. It's unbelievable how we can claim patients are 'sitting comfortably' when it's a frickin oven in there.
It's unbelievable how a simple and happy smile from your patients can brighten up your day. Just like that.
It's unbelievable how frustrated I can get by a simple 'im tired, sorry'.
It's unbelievable how obvious race plays a part in getting a patient comfortable.
It's unbelievable how uninformed the patients in a third world country can get.
It's unbelievable how much of the education you gained 2.5 years in a western country is un-applicable here.
It's unbelievable how long it takes for a frickin MRI to be done. Long enough for the patient to have started treatment and be out on his feet well and alive in the west.
It's unbelievable how much it costs to have a patient be up and on his feet well and alive rather than waiting for his MRI.
It's unbelievable how hot it gets up here. It's unbelievable how we can claim patients are 'sitting comfortably' when it's a frickin oven in there.
It's unbelievable how a simple and happy smile from your patients can brighten up your day. Just like that.
I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
