You know those times when you sit down by yourself and have a meal by the window and think this is the life?

There are times when you think how in the world could you hate others....... until you realize all you've been is jealous

Today I realized I will not become a cardiologist

There are often instances when realizations hit you with a BAM and you wonder just what the hell are you doing here and now?

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

~Japanese proverb

Is struck once again by the consequences of coming back to a developing country.

I suppose the way I try to summarize every rotation that I am in currently, or at least describe it, would not work so well in this one.

There is no such thing as failure. There are only outcomes. The only time you fail is the last time you try.

Ever since his wife died, Mr L has gotten more and more withdrawn, although he says that his wife was always the more sociable half. He has started losing interest in things around him, and feels tired most of the time. He finds that his motivation to do things has decreased, and life has become such a lonesome and boring place. Sometimes, he tears up spontaneously without any triggers and he also finds his sleep disturbed; finding it hard to sleep at night, his sleep cycle disturbed throughout and then waking up very early in the morning, a good few hours earlier than when he usually would.

His mobility is impaired due to the ulcer his leg, and his deformed Charchots; most of the time he only stays in his house. He lives with his daughter but since she works long hours, he only sees her for breakfast and is usually asleep when she returns. In between, he is usually left alone at home. He has had multiple history of falls and perhaps that’s one of the reason why he has given up the hope of venturing outside into the open. He is a T2DM on Insulin and it’s difficult to inject it himself, that’s why if his daughter does not come back in time, he actually does not have his night jab.

When asked, the only thing Mr L looks forward to is waking up in the wee hours of the morning and preparing breakfast for his daughter before she leaves for work. That appears to be his only human contact for the rest of the day. The spirits of the dead ones keep him company tho, and he welcomes them immensely.

“I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet."

~Indian Proverb

these few weeks have been. Indescribable. I feel so... small. And there are so many questions to answer. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to have stayed out of the valley if I'd known it  might take ages to climb out. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth feeling happy if you know that the only thing you can feel after that is letdown. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth caring, because caring takes effort, smiling takes effort, what if we were just robots who were efficient with a tinge of instinct. Sometimes I just want to disappear.

Just finished 2 weeks of Cardio rotation. I cannot begin to express my thanks to our personal 'mother' dr L.
Her dedication and passion and willingness to teach us just overwhelms me. After day 1 where the consultant insulted my upbringing, it really took alot to get back on a rebound. It's not easy, i realize, to be professional when things like that happens to you. It's phrased so nicely when you read about them in self help books but when ur standing there getting berated after handing in a formal apology it just totally sucks. In my defense I felt that should he be insulting me and me alone I'd take it up and swallow it down but you dont fucking comment on the way my parents brought me up. I really really hate it when people assume all students from my Uni is rich. Funny i must have missed out on that rich part. And with money everyone assumes that we are spoilt too. Really? were you there when we were below average? Were you there when my grandparents, uncles had to tap rubber and my grandma wear potato guni sacks during the japanese invasion? Were you there when i celebrated my first birthay with a cake and ang ku kuih? Were you there when my parents couldn't pay the fees? You notice the 1 or 2 who drive big cars and party, but have you also noticed those who walk daily? Have you noticed those who offer rides to lecturers they see on the way?
Maybe I'm being so passionate about this purely because of my pride in it. Maybe I AM so damn proud of my family's achievements over the decades so dont you dare touch them. I dont give 2 fucks if you think im rude or groundless because that's my problem. Too bad if you felt intimidated antagonized the peoples in your past who were of  the same clan, not my fault really. MEH

But yeah. Go professionalism.

Todays session wasnt as busy as yesterday. Hence, we were more in the way. Because we were less useful. Hence we were more in the way. Because the HO's were less friendly, trusting? Hence we were using up 02 there. I wonder if i can reiterate that enough

After yesterday, today we had an influx of kids. They seem to be getting knocked up by motorbikes alot.
And the asthma patients seem to flock in by families! For eg the mother will bring the daughter in, but in the end we'd find out that she'd  be needing it herself.
Twas a night for female catheterizations.
Today was the first time I kena tegur too. And was proven wrong? in a very simple finding. See this 78 yr old uncle comes in with progressive breathlessness that's been lasting for the whole day, wtih a hx of IHD, triple bypasses, and a pacemaker inserted this March. He also has a hx of asthma. So he comes in and sits at the neb area, and i see him gasping, so i tried to get a bit of hx out of him. And then I find out that he also has crepts in his left lower lobe as well as bilateral pitting oedema up to the shins. Obviously nebbing him isnt going to work anymore right. So i brought it up to this HO who was writing something down. I only got to '78 year old uncle' and she was went 'Dont bother about the asthma patients first!! I need to clear the people behind first!'
Hello! If this was mere asthma why would I be bothering you? Ish i'd just ask u if its ok to give neb cus i heard diffuse rhonchi throughout. Haiya but anyways. its a nother point in learning. I did all i could. and he wasnt exactly like - dying lah.
Then the same uncle, a few hrs later, a diff HO came over and listened to the chest. Then when she was done she looked up and asked who listened to his chests, whereby i raised my hand. She was like 'listen again' in that really smug tone. Lol. Yes, he has crepts. but oh-ho even after he coughs he still has crepts!
But haiz- the medical student is always wrong werd .... that's how it goes in the hospital hierarchy.

The bossy loud but very helpful nurse wasnt there today. Our nice MO wasn't there today either. I met mr American accent tho.
The cases seem to be repeating ler.
This auntie of about 70 comes in complaining of general weakness and an uncontrollable tremor of her right hand. Dx? STROKE. (seriously, like where in the world did that come from) Makes me realize that I have, indeed, a LOOOOOOOOOOONG way more to go.
Teenage girl comes in collapsed. Where I see them elliciting the pain reflex when charting the GCS. I also saw the vast improvement after they NS'ed her and gave her ammonium salt. From disorientated to orientated and a full 15.
Pregnant woman of 5 months comes in with a ?fractured small feet of the foot. The issue is not the fracture, but the fact that her leg was infected from a scrape a week ago. She went to a priv hospital but they didnt wanna take any risks so they gave her only painkillers and nothing else. The MO wanted to do an Xray- the fetus? And since it was infected, they had no choice but to give her antibiotics--- SO HOW? She was told to discuss the issue with her husband cus now even a small procedure like taking an xray needed a consent. She never came back after her discussion.
Guess who I also saw today. My fav surgeon and wife. His dad was involved in an MVA. Lets just summarize it - He came, he saw, he sutured and his dad left the hospital 2 hours later. everybody say NO FUSS!
He asked me how am i too, to which i could only reply .. 'I'm fine'

Ps - I have an absolute PHOBIA of setting lines now. Today I couldnt even draw blood! Dammit. Meh. To fail and fail again. :(

He's queing up in a 4 row line at KL LCCT
Trolley of 2 full bags
Grumpy tired and lacking sleep
His parents somewhere behind him
talking to themselves
As he picks up his phone and dials me
Hey I'm checking in soon...gotta give the phone back to my dad after this so thought I'd say bye first... 


And I know the rest of my day isnt mine anymore.

The best thing about me is you.

~Shannon Crown

It's unbelievable how much a language barrier can bring your day down. just like that.
It's unbelievable how frustrated I can get by a simple 'im tired, sorry'.
It's unbelievable how obvious race plays a part in getting a patient comfortable.
It's unbelievable how uninformed the patients in a third world country can get.
It's unbelievable how much of the education you gained 2.5 years in a western country is un-applicable here.
It's unbelievable how long it takes for a frickin MRI to be done. Long enough for the patient to have started treatment and be out on his feet well and alive in the west.
It's unbelievable how much it costs to have a patient be up and on his feet well and alive rather than waiting for his MRI.
It's unbelievable how hot it gets up here. It's unbelievable how we can claim patients are 'sitting comfortably' when it's a frickin oven in there.



It's  unbelievable how a simple and happy smile from your patients can brighten up your day. Just like that.

I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.

~ Jack London

(*Disclaimer* I can take it down if you don't like it up (but like, almost nobody reads this anyways*)
A Page Is Turned

Where the God of second chance
Will pick them up and He'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come

**

When We Say/ Juicebox

This is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
But this ain't a movie
I know you cant come with me
You got your lives
He better be treatin you right

***

2) Was driving back home one day. And a plastic bag flew across the road. So I ran over it. 5 minutes later another plastic bag flew across the road. Again I ran over it. Barely 3 minutes later another plastic bag ran across the road. But this time, it slowed down before running across my path and I missed it by a foot.

How many chances are we allowed before we finally learn our lesson?

To err is human. And we have an incredible tendency to screw up sometimes. Studies...relationships...accidents...the end results can be disastrous. But for most of the times we mess up, we're given one more try to do it right again. Like the little green-clothed leprechaun leaning against the door and giving you a wink before disappearing, you hear him whisper

"hey...let's try that again shall we?"


****

is it really that foolish a thing, to hope that one day pigs will fly? what's so wrong about clinging to a dream, one that you know will probably never come to pass? did i say 'probably'? well there's always that stubborn imp whispering in your ear, 'maybe...you never know...i thought you said you believe in miracles...??'

have i ever hoped to see flying piglets outside my window one day? well yes, i have. still do. for the past few years, at least. everytime i feel like screaming at myself, 'just STOP hoping, you nut!!' ~ in the end i still allow a tiny ray of broken dreams to remain a thorn in my heart. why? i wish i knew, too.

perhaps i'm just unwilling to let God have His way. like the 2-year-old who insisted, 'please let me have the carving knife..' -but of course the parent doesn't give in to that sort of 'please'. saying 'please' won't get you that box of matches you oh so long to get your hands on, anymore than juggling piglets will make them learn to fly.

*****

as march 2010 comes closer with each passing day, i cant help but feel a variety of mixed feelings.. 2 and 1/2 years is definitely not a short period of time. i’ve built great friendships here and it feels weird having to leave a place where i’ve gotten so used to and actually love and call home. it really seems unfair when i think of it in a way where i have to leave a place, unwillingly, and probably never get to come back to familiarity ever again in a duration of time that is unknown. even if i do come back after the unknown time, i’m sure nothing will be the same again.. people leave, buildings change, atmospheres just different. this is how i console myself – that my friends will have to move on too. and that things will still be different even though i’m still here.

******

I often think about that boy
when I'm feeling small
and I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

*******

i don't think big of getting huge surprises, i prefer many little surprises like receiving random presents. emm lets give an example: it's ok if my bf doesn't give me diamonds and LV bags but i would be adored if he gives me a cupcake, a small note, a bar of chocolate, a kiss on the cheek when i'm asleep, a book, sing/plays the piano/violin to me, a movie ticket, a doodle in my to-do-list note book etc.

********

Don’t let someone become a priority in your life,
When you are just an option in their life …
Relationships work best when they are balanced.

Never explain yourself to anyone,
Because the person who likes you doesn’t need it,
And the person who dislikes you won’t believe it

When you keep saying you are busy, Then you are never free.
When you keep saying you have no time, Then you will never have time.
When you keep saying that you will do it tomorrow, Then tomorrow will never come.

We make them cry, those who care for us,
We cry for those who never care for us
And we care for those who will never cry for us

Don’t make promises when you are in joy
Don’t reply when you are sad
Don’t take decisions when you are angry
Think twice, Act wise

Time is like a river, You cannot touch the same water twice
Because the flow that has passed will never pass again
Enjoy every moment of life

*********

Personal note:
Hmm, what to do, I am surrounded by just so many talented writers!? *sry And, i didnt really wanna quote Superman Batman Jimmy comics =P* And to a certain extent, when I read their blogs, I am calmed by their rambles, knowing that life is going on, that time is passing, that people are alive. I especially like #3; how many 2nd chances do you get in your life?

I know I should be studying, scrambling for my life as if there's not going to be a tomorrow. But all i feel like doing is actually opening my Bible and just start praying. It hurts. So bad. I wish there were things that could be undone, time that could be rewound, people to be re-cherished. I wish there was a selfishness that could be without consequences. I hurt too much too bad too easily. I know its painful now, but if it goes on, it'll be even more so in the future.
I miss my Dad, I miss being able to quote His words to calm me down, I miss living for Him :(

And I really don't like how one song can make me tear up so bad!

What if I made a happier version? :P


This is the part when we say we're in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
Let's make this our story
Baby runaway with me
We'll live our lives
For sure I'll be treating you right

=) *The verse is dedicated to a friend who's found happiness. :P How often do you get reciprocated feelings, huh?*

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
~ Dr. Seuss
Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to. – Anonymous

Anger and disappointment on Friday, ignorance and bliss until today, where it all comes back To haunt my emotions. Is this is even healthy ? Should I keep it all in, all away and pretend that it never happened, so i can at least be happy. happy.

I've often wondered; as we grow up , how much of our humanity can we keep ? Does our empathy decrease in proportion to the years you spend getting hurt? At the rate I'm going by the time I have the Dr title I'll be that perfect psychopath. You realize that the world have more problems than you've ever noticed but the matter of fact is that they do concern you. Shut both eyes if you want but it'll only be there to spit at you once you wake up. But my tears and pleas are real. But those words that I never meant to mean are real too. And so are their sincere plastic smiles. It seems the more I try the harder I fail. Paradox of choices indeed. So do i choose to be happy? or do i choose to be happy?

I hate the fact that you can smile while Im breaking. I hate the fact that I am so affected. I hate the fact that I cannot be that psychopath who is almost always safe.

I feel like... calling someone up now and talk. I feel like... leaving loads and loads of offline messages for someone to read. I feel like pouring my heart out, sit there, and meditate.. and that's not wrong is it? it proves I have a heart.that I have emotions. That I'm not dead.

But the truth remains that they don't owe me. And we have our lives to live. to live. Everyday.

“ Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. I'm not sure about the universe"
~Albert Einstein