I guess being the loser has never sat well with me. Call it my part of my upbringing.

I don't believe in soul mates or true loves anymore. Because if you meet one, or you think that you did, and they dont reciprocate. ... it goes beyond words.
The shit you put up with. The excuses you make. The amount of tolerance and compromise you make. You bend your wills, your stands, your beliefs. You put up with the childishness, the loneliness, the excuses, all for the happy moments, the laughter, the small brief moments your hands touch and he holds it tight. the morning hugs and kisses despite smelly breaths. The intimacy, the secrets, the hours, and the comfort.

but then there's The lie. But that is enough. You awaken to the worthlessness you degrade yourself down to.

And you realize it isn't worth it at all.

RIP

It's a Thursday morning, I'm post call (wonderfully uneventful by the way) and cramming for an online signature begging session for later part of the night.

That aside.

I graduated!
Started working.
Part of it involves delivery babies and constantly keeping my fingers in vajayjays.
The other part involved strengthening my backbone, thickening my facial epidermis, tightening imaginary belts around my waist and minimizing what we'd call 'ego's to a non existent value.

As I look back at my older posts, posts I wrote while still studying it prides me to not laugh derisively dismissing it as pure naivete of someone who'd not experienced the real world. It's actually not much different than expected really... but I have to say that the responsibility has definitely escalated beyond measure.

You realize that every little bit you do.. or don't do for the matter has its consequences. You meet patients and mentors of all sorts. Most of all you meet the doctors whom you promise yourself you'd never want to turn into when you grow up. Tagging was an emotionally exhausting time for me. I lost about 3-4kg and would tear up unprovoked. But then I grew up.

And I am still growing.

Not having an income whilst living on <200 bucks really taught me to appreciate money and saving.

My biggest lessons were, in my opinion;
1. Happiness is a choice
2. I'd rather come home to a warm dinner than have a name full of addendums

The future for us looks quite bleak at the moment. Doors are closing on  me everywhere and I foresee that someone between the two of us would end up sacrificing their career in this matter. I hate the fact that happy ever after seems so unreachable and I wish I could do something about the fact that meals alone have become such a norm.

Having said that working in the homeland has indeed been such an eye opener. I enjoy the ability to counsel my patients (with correct figures!) and to have teamwork amongst the members. Sure the quality of care could be upped a thousandfold but I believe that one should be the change they want to see so yea we'll start small, and hopefully be able to make the changes I'd like to see in the future.

Don't think I'd be allowed to do a Ceasarean section tho.

cheh.

It’s not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it’s because we do not dare that things are difficult.~Seneca

And that people, was 6 months in a post.

We make choices everyday, in every moment of our lives, or should I say we choice upon our lives everday. haha

You know those times when you sit down by yourself and have a meal by the window and think this is the life?

There are times when you think how in the world could you hate others....... until you realize all you've been is jealous